that sucks

So...I found that my bike was stolen some time this weekend. Tom and I left Saturday morning around 10 and then when I went out on the porch this afternoon, the tarp was on teh ground and the screen cut with teh bike missing...Perhaps I was pressing my luck keeping it on my porch- but where else was I supposed to keep it. I think I am lucky that the guy did not try to come into my apartment and take my stuff...that would have been really bad...

i had lunch with Jessica today- fun times! We went to Bon Vie (a little pretentious and over-priced but good) and ate outside. Then I got a make-up make-over at Clinique and purchased some products for my wedding day. Yeah! fun! Can't wait to see what Tom says!

Found out during the make-up session, hwoever, that Pa totalled his car by crashing into an 18-wheeler...when i called him later he hadn't gone to the ER because he didn't think it was too bad...he only had awful sternal pain and oculdn't lay down. Great... I convinced him to go- we'll see what happens.

too much going on! Yikes!

Hard

It has been a while since I blogged. I think I prefer to blog here rather than on myspace...because on myspace I know who could be reading my blog. Here, I just presume that I am able to write about what is goign on and my whole family doesn't know about it. That sounds strange. Why wouldn't I want my whole family to know what is happening? I just don't...

Last week my mom called me on Thursday and asked if we could talk- if I wouldn't hang up on her and could just listen to her. I am an adult- and wanted to hear what she had to say- but perhaps with all her warning and cautionary statments, I should have been more wary. In any event- I listened to what she said and now it is bothering me- a lot. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all but other times - like whenever I talk to her- it just comes up. I was fianlly able to talk to Tom about it on Friday- that was too long to wait- but last week was a bad week b/c we were both so busy- we didn't have time with each other. I always need time to process and I always need relax time with Tom before I can jump into anything "heavy." He, however, can tell when somethign is bothering me- ususally before I can tell.

My mom was basically saying that I didn't have to marry Tom is I didn't want to. She wanted to make sure he wasn't controlling over me and that I was still my own independent person. She worries "red flags" she calls them that I am being too submissive and just doing waht Tom says so that I can make the relationship work. She worries that I don't assert myself. She cautions that she doesn't see anything "pathological" about the relationship and she says that she doesn't know what we've talked about with our pastoral premarital counseling (she sounded disappointed that she didn't know), but she just wanted to share what she was feeling. It hink she she is being ridiculous and just is upsetting me. She doesn't get it. Tom loves me. He doesn't tell me what to do, what to think, who to be. He WANTS me to be me...loves for me to say what I want to do and be and feel and think. My mom never wanted to know what I think or feel- she just wanted me to be who she wanted me to be...not who I really was. She doesn't realize how much influence she ahs over me- she really doesn't...she just assumes I don't hear anything she says. She's wrong. I need to call her today...we need to talk about htis. She was not being fair when she just layed into everything...

I just love Tommy and want to marry Tommy...but I want my parents' blessing... :-(

Crying

So...about crying...It's something I do, a lot. Is that bad? I don't think so. I used to not cry nearly as much and often felt frustrated and mis-understood. Crying isn't something a lot of people like to see- many are uncomfortable around it. Maybe that is why I'm uncomfortable around a lot of people...I cry. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad, tired, frustrated, lonely, excited, thrilled, mad, you name it- that is how I express myself. A lot of people think crying is bad- I'd have to say that for me, the exact opposite is true. Tom loves when I cry- whih makes me love him even more because he is just loving me for me- not for who he wants me to be.

I tried to play that game and be who I thought he wanted. He didn't like it and didn't want it. I didn't understand becaue nobody had ever wanted to see the real me. He saw through my facade and wanted me. That is what is so incredible.

Will I cry when I get married? Absolutely. Because I'm sad or scared? no way! Because I am happy, excited and thrilled to start anew life. Will it mess up my eye-makeup? I'll wear waterproof. Will it make the pictures funny? I'll wash my face. For me to not cry would mean that I am not fully present for the wedding and that doesn't work. I need to be fully present (100% Megan) for tom and for me- that is the only way we can get married. He doesn't want to marry a stage face, only a Megan. I'll be prepared with a hankie and I'm sure Bec will have tissues for me. Shoot1 She'll be cryin gtoo. The whole place will. So...see? Crying is ok. It's what I'm going to do. It's what I do now. I feel much better after I cry. Taht is my emotional expression.

The Ring!

My ring is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! I keep staring at it- the diamond and the setting are just sooo obeautiful! It is perfect- it looks perfect on my hand, matches my personality, matches me. I love it! I love it way more since it is from Tom. Man...I am so excited about getting married! I have gone from I can't believe we are getting married to- I am so excited and can't wait!

We registered yesterday at Target- what fun! Perhaps later this week or next weekend we'll do the other stores...Rita wants to go to Macy's with us when we register so they can register too...I don't think so! Our tastes are so completely different- besdies, this is something Ijust want to share with Tom and not be swayed by others. That's fair, right? She also wants to do dancing lessons with us...again...I would do them with Tom and I but am hesitant about doing it with them. She is so freakin' competitive! Yikes!

Anyway- I am relaxed, calm, cool, collected and am just enjoying being engaged. It'll only happen once and I couldn't imagine a more beautiful ring. I am actually having a hard time doign work- dont' want to think about it! Anyway...speaking of work- I must get back to it...

Vision for a wedding in Maine

So...I am getting married- I can't tell you how awesome that feels- man! I jsut feel like a princess who finally discovered the key to Prince Charming.... :-)

We're getting married in Maine- it is beautiful there and that is where I grew up. My folks are still there...on a lovely piece of woods on a pond.

Vision for the wedding- I need to put down in thoughts what I want. I want simple. I want fun. I want pretty and memorable for all involved. I want Tom at my side. I want live music. I jsut want lots of hugging and kissing of Tom and lots of well-wishes by friends. I want to be outside (I hope it doesn't rain!) and I want to wear a beautiful dress with purple bridesmaids dresses. I want people up and about, not sitting at a table. I want people to feel free to come up to us and us to them- not hampered by barriers of tables... I don't want stuffy- formal- with name cards. I want relaxed, lots of smiling, laughing, dancing, eating, drinking and hugging. I really don't want people locked to a table- I just want to have fun. The bottom line- I want things to run smoothly with everybody able to enjoy Maine Labor Day Wknd and jsut have a great party. That's all! I want us to mingle with everybody. I am not worried about details (odd for me)- I trust that we will have a fun great party! That's all- do we sense a key word here? Fun! Not stressful...not fancy...not princess-like...not sophisticated...FUN! That's all! Fun! :-)

I am having such a hard time concentrating on anything! I don't want to do work...I just want to think about my life with Tom. I've wasted a whole hour this afternoon- not good! But- that's ok...I'm only engaged once!

Tom and Megan

Me and the love of my life!

I'm getting Married!

Yep- that's right! Tom, the love of my life, and I are getting married! We had been talking about it a lot and I was having a hard time being patient...I was trying hard- just wasn't too successful. I felt really bad about that- but it was just busting out of me! Anyway- this past weekend, April 21-22, we were in Akron for Tim's b-day. On Saturday we went to the jewelery store and Tom wanted to look at rings. We'd done that once in Columbus. This time we stopped at his Grandmas to get the diamond she wanted me to have. I wasn't sure if we were stil ljsut looking or what.

Anyway- none of the settings really thrilled me...until I put on the one. It was beautiful- I started to cry and Tom and I were emotional together. I love a man that can be emotional. Anyway, They cleaned up his grandma's diamond and placed it in teh setting- it was perfect- absolutely beautiful. I couldn't believe it! I was just crying and the people in teh store were starting to well up too... Tom put 50% down and they said it would be ready this coming Friday. I figured that I'd have another couple weeks until engagement time...

Well...we were driving back to Columbus and I thought we'd go to Marc's (grocery store) and then to Tom's apt. He passed 270, Morse Rd., 670 E...I was confused. He got off the Neil Ave. exit and I thought we were going to my apartment. We stopped at Gooddale park and he thought it was a ncie night to walk around- it was beautiful out. We walked around the park a bit- just smiling and talking...then we started walking towards Buttles Ave...and High St.- the corner at which Tom and I first laid eyes on each other. I had an inkling then what was going on- but still didn't really know- we've gone to that corner other times...anyway- he started telling me about the directions I'd given him for our first date- where to meet- and then he stopped at the point at which he first saw me and my hair...then when we got to the corner where we met- he held me in his arms, told me how much he loved me and asked me to marry him. I started crying and said yes- of course! He teared up- it was wonderful- people milling about...

tom totally surprised me! I couldn't believe it! :-)What could honestly be better? This weekend we will go to Akron again and this time I will come home with a ring on my finger...engaged to marry the man of my dreams...on September 3, 2006.

Uneasy

You know how when you love someone so much that it hurts and that when they are hurting, you feel just as bad? Isn't it worse when you think that it might be partially or wholly your fault? That's where I am right now...

Yep...I am totally, 100%, couldn't-imagine-my-life-without-him in LOVE with Tom. He makes me smile, makes me proud, makes me laugh, makes me feel loved, makes me feel just good about myself. Well...yesterday and today he hasn't been feeling so great- not physically. Physically, I think, he's feeling fine. The problem is that he isn't satisfied with his job right now. Am I taking too much of his focus off of work? We do e-mail when I'm at school and he's at work, so maybe we need to stop that. Maybe we should act like other people who communicate in the morning and then when they get home from work... That is doable- and if it helps- by golly, lets do it!

The other issue is, however, and this has been around for a while...that he isn't comfortable at "my" church and I'm not comfortable at his. Actually, I love the kids and youth group at his church but I have not been able to sit through a sermon with one of the ministers without getting so upset that it was all I could do to not run out and cry. So...yeah...not good... Well...my church, where I joined when I was single and just looking for a comfortable, spiritually fulfilling place, is not somewhere that he is comfortable. There are a lot of older adults and people our parents' ages. Not a lot of 20-somethings... When I joined, that wasn't important to me. I had friends at school (and still do) and wasn't looking to meet somebody at church. Well...I am very involved now- not nearly as much as I was at one point- but nonetheless, I am still pretty active in the church. Tom doesn't get any 20-something time at work (all people older than him) and he doesn't get that at church because he has been going with me.

The dilemma...we want to go to chruch together. He is not getting what he needs from St. John's (spiritual connection and young adults). I feel really uncomfortable listening to one of the ministers at his church, though I think the other guy would be fine. We need a place where we can both go. This morning this came up b/c he was gonig to what remains of his small group- they met for breakfast. He is hoping that if that becomes a regular event that he will feel like he is interacting spiritually with peers. What if it doesn't? I can't provide everything he needs- sometimes we have to look outside the relationship for things- that is fine- but we need to be willing to do that- for church, for young adult interaction...

Anyway...there is no solution right now. I dont' know how things will pan out. God has a plan for us and we are just trying to pay attention and hear what it is. I only know that I love Tom with all my heart and can't wait until I am his wife. We are a strong team and can weather these two dilemmas (work and church) together.

Maybe now that I have this all written I'll be able to focus and work on some schoolwork...

Interesting prospect...

With a closed door, a window is always opened. Ok...so...I applied for and was awarded a NIH training grant for clinical research this summer. Yeah! It has associated with it a stipend- double Yeah! I also have a graduate research associateship that requires 20 hours of work/ week and has a stipend attached. Things were looking like I'd earn two stipdends this summer...how cool would that be?! Unfortunately, it can't happen. Apparently, teh NIH grant is a full time gig and the GRA is a 1/2 time gig and the university computers fart when they try to make somebody a 1.5 position...that is- they don't want to "overextend" me. Whatever... So- after lots of phone calls and e-mails- that was finally figured out. So...that means one stipend this summer...:-( Door closed...

I went and talked to my boss, THE Nancy Ryan-Wenger, who is a great researcher and really well- respected. Anyway, she suggested that I not worry about the GRA this summer and only do the NIH thing and then write like crazy, trying to get articles published. Cool idea- especially since I'm on a "short list" for prospective faculty in teh future...open window! :-) Yeah! I'll do that for sure! I'd love to work here and if I am being hinted at that I shoudl publish this sumemr, you bet your bippy I'll be writing my hiney off! :-) It is also really cool that Nancy Ryan-Wenger said she wanted to work with me for a research residency- that is AWESOME!

God is so amazing. Last year at this time I was in Maine, working clinicals, staying up all night- thinking I had a sort of phone relationship with a loser back here in Columbus. That ended, I had a sumemr of hard work and despair, and then came back for the PhD after money miraculously appeared at my feet...Then, one week or so after starting the doctoral program, I met the man of my dreams and we are now talkinga bout getting married...even further, people keep talking to me about a job here when I am done. How am I so blessed? Faith...that is all there is to it.

So...that is my closed door, open window story. :-)

Wow!

I can't believe this quarter is already in its 4th week! That means that next week I have papers due and midterms. Yikes! That's right...3 papers and one exam next week- I hope I can survive. I must start working on them now...

This past weekend was great- didn't feel like I was in school at all. Had a wonderful time with Tom's family- really felt like one of the crew. They welcomed me and I felt comfortable- like I really knew them well. That's a good feeling. I think Tom's dad is even warming up to me- maybe he realizes I'll be around for the duration. :-)

It is always hard to hop back on the merry-go-round when it is spinning- but I feel like that is what I did today. Try to jump on and catch up without falling off. Yikes! Back to work...