Hard

It has been a while since I blogged. I think I prefer to blog here rather than on myspace...because on myspace I know who could be reading my blog. Here, I just presume that I am able to write about what is goign on and my whole family doesn't know about it. That sounds strange. Why wouldn't I want my whole family to know what is happening? I just don't...

Last week my mom called me on Thursday and asked if we could talk- if I wouldn't hang up on her and could just listen to her. I am an adult- and wanted to hear what she had to say- but perhaps with all her warning and cautionary statments, I should have been more wary. In any event- I listened to what she said and now it is bothering me- a lot. Sometimes it doesn't bother me at all but other times - like whenever I talk to her- it just comes up. I was fianlly able to talk to Tom about it on Friday- that was too long to wait- but last week was a bad week b/c we were both so busy- we didn't have time with each other. I always need time to process and I always need relax time with Tom before I can jump into anything "heavy." He, however, can tell when somethign is bothering me- ususally before I can tell.

My mom was basically saying that I didn't have to marry Tom is I didn't want to. She wanted to make sure he wasn't controlling over me and that I was still my own independent person. She worries "red flags" she calls them that I am being too submissive and just doing waht Tom says so that I can make the relationship work. She worries that I don't assert myself. She cautions that she doesn't see anything "pathological" about the relationship and she says that she doesn't know what we've talked about with our pastoral premarital counseling (she sounded disappointed that she didn't know), but she just wanted to share what she was feeling. It hink she she is being ridiculous and just is upsetting me. She doesn't get it. Tom loves me. He doesn't tell me what to do, what to think, who to be. He WANTS me to be me...loves for me to say what I want to do and be and feel and think. My mom never wanted to know what I think or feel- she just wanted me to be who she wanted me to be...not who I really was. She doesn't realize how much influence she ahs over me- she really doesn't...she just assumes I don't hear anything she says. She's wrong. I need to call her today...we need to talk about htis. She was not being fair when she just layed into everything...

I just love Tommy and want to marry Tommy...but I want my parents' blessing... :-(